Do you like go-carting?

So after the incident with Dr Drake I have slowly fazed him out. It sounds mean I know, but it had to be done.

In the summer I joined a dating website, now before you judge me you should really try it. Its so much fun! I would have been the first to say only weirdos and old people join internet dating sites but your wrong. I joined after Leilani convinced me, and I have never looked back. Its so addictive, its such a confidence boost. I received so many e-mails requesting my hand in marriage, and people telling me how beautiful I am. They may be from half blind 75 year olds with a peg leg, but hey! A compliments a compliment!

So a few days after my disastrous encounter with Dr Drake, I was asked out on a date from a guy I had been briefly talking to online. I wasn't particularly attracted to him, but he was really muscular and we had good banter so I thought what the hell.

He wanted to meet for coffee and do some christmas shopping. It was different from the usual meeting in a bar, but Im always happy trying something new. An hour before the date he texted me asking me to look up the train times for him. Really!? Do it yourself, don't ask your date who you've never met to do it for you.

It then occurred to me that this meant he didn't have a car, this was a major turn off. I also then found out that he doesn't live in the same city as me, even though it says he does on his profile. He actually lived an hour away, this also was not OK with me. I did long distance for two and a half years with my ex, and I did not want to do it again. At this point I really didn't want to go, but he was already on the train so I felt like I couldn't back out. He then proceeded to text me at every stop he was at.......he was winding me up and I hadn't even met him yet!

I was meeting him outside YO Sushi (Which I love by the way, the chicken Katsu is to die for!) and all I see walking towards me is the ugliest hat I have ever seen in my life. It was bright yellow with a big ugly face on the front, with what looked like arms hanging down at the sides. Im hoping he purchased it as some kind of joke, but even if this was so, why would you wear it on a date! It needed to be burned! I chose to ignore it and make the best of the situation.

Firstly he looked nothing like his pictures, and he was so quite. Im fairly confident, and I understand that not everyone is like me so I was nice and tried to help him out. I suggested going to Costa for a coffee, in which he promptly informed me that he doesn't like coffee, but he could get a hot chocolate.

Walking into Costa I suddenly realised I didn't have my card, or any cash. I had left it in my house mates room after we ordered take away, luckily he wasn't a complete cheapskate and he forked out so I escaped embarrassment.

We sat down with our drinks, I had my usual skinny vanilla latte and he had an expresso. To which he then said, 'ah its so small, perhaps I should have gotten a large one.' To which I replied 'Well yes you moron, its a shot of coffee, which was an odd choice considering you don't like coffee. ' Ok I didn't call him a moron but I wanted to. He then proceeded to shot the drink back, make a face of disgust and stare at the wall next to me. I kept trying to make it easy for him, but he gave me nothing! For example I told him I went away over the summer to do a couple of internships. Did he ask me where I went or what I was doing or how long I went for? No, he just grunted and stared creepily at the wall next to me.

The only input he put into whole date was 'Do you like go-carting?' To which I simply replied 'No.' Who asks that?! It had no relevance to anything, he hadn't even been go-carting himself, so why would he ask that?!

I quickly made up an excuse to leave and started power walking to my car, when I was nearly at my car and near freedom we had to go back because he had forgotten his horrendous hat. I tried to suggest perhaps it was better left behind but he insisted on getting it. He then preceded to pretend to not know where the train station was, well considering he had just come from there I knew he knew where it was. I just pointed and shouted 'its down there'' and literally just ran off! I didn't stop until I reached my car.

He text me later saying how lovely it was to meet me and how much fun he had, to which I replied 'it was lovely to meet you but I didnt really feel a connection or that we had much in common. Thank you for the coffee though.'

He has text me since asking me "Is it OK if I stay in contact with you, nothing too crazy?' Why would we stay in contact?! Your creepy, you don't talk and have shitty hat taste!

I didn't reply.

Meilana xxx

I went out with Dr Drake and came home with Dr Rape

So on Monday night I went out for dinner with Dr Drake, when I arrived he already had a Cosmopolitan waiting for me.  It was very sweet of him, but I was starting to wonder if his plan was to get me drunk once again and steal kisses from me!

We had a wonderful dinner, and everything was going well. I managed to stick to my three drink rule, and we shared vanilla and cardamon cheesecake for dessert. (Im obsessed with cardamon at the moment, Leilani makes the most amazing almond and cardamon cookies.)

After dinner he suggested to go and watch a late night movie. By this time I was ready to get into my bed with a hot-water bottle (the heating in my rubbish student house doesn't work, and yes it is winter!), and watch an episode of Jerseylicious, but I didnt want to seem rude so I agreed. Plus the night was going well and he was making me laugh a lot so I thought I may as well.

We went to see what movies were playing, and there wasn't really anything on worth watching. Secretly happy knowing I would soon be tucked up in  my bed, I started to head for the taxi rank. Next minute I know, he's inviting himself back to mine to 'watch a film.'

I tried to say no but he was very insistent, and I eventually gave in. However I did make a point of telling him he was not coming back for 'coffee,' and that he was defiantly not staying.

When we got to mine we headed to my room, tonight I really wished we had a T.V in the living room.
I picked the film 28 days later, Im a huge horror movie fan but I didnt want anything too scary just incase he pooped himself. In the few seconds I turned away from him to put the film in the DVD player, he had   stripped off down to his boxers and jumper into my bed.

Feeling slightly uncomfortable, I put on some shorts and a jumper and slide into bed. Next minute I know he jumped on me and started chewing my face off, turns out his kissing wasn't effected by the alcohol on our last date, he's just an awful kisser. He also kept doing this odd thing with his chin, he would lift his face up suddenly and literally hit me in the face with his chin. I mean seriously....and he kept doing it. I started wondering if this was a joke, soon I would end up with a black eye.  I felt like head-butting him and pretending it was just one of my many moves!

I kept trying to turn away from him but he kept rolling me back over. I tried to seem really into the film too, and kept say 'omg, wait what just happened?' to try and get him interested in it. Eventually he stopped and watched the film with me and soon enough he fell asleep. I was so relieved, apart from the fact I was hanging off the bed. Where I kept trying to get away from him, he kept moving closer until I was basically on the floor. I wondered if I would be able to sneak out and sleep in with one of my housemates. I started to try and slide off the bed, when he suddenly woke up. Next minute I know he's taken off his boxers and literally just got 'it' out. I was mortified, I though now I need to be to the point and stern! I told him to put his boxers on at once, and he should stop what ever he's thinking of doing. But he completely ignored me, and kept trying to rip off my clothes and have his way with me. The more I asked him to stop  the more turned on he seemed, it was so creepy! Eventually I had to shout at him and threaten to kick him out before he just rolled over and went to sleep. I was so pissed off, and to top it off he snored like a pig all night.

At first I didn't think it was that bad, but after I told my friends they seemed really shocked. And thus it has lead to his new nick name Dr Rape.

I will not be returning his calls or texts!

What is it with me and rapey guys!? Its all Achmed could talk about too. I would be having a normal conversation with him, and he would make it dirty. It was actually a talent!  Conversation went a little like this:

Me: Look at that pretty white bird
Achmed: Thats nice, you know what else is white? Your bed sheets....
Me: Yes Achmed, and Im sure I know where this is leading. Can you stop with the rudeness!?
Achmed: Im not rude, unless you want me to be.......
Me: Shall we go get coffee?
Achmed: Yeah sure, coffee makes me really energetic. And you know if Im really energetic, that could mean really crazy sex, and you know what I would do to you during crazy sex.......
Me: Yeah I don't want coffee any more.

You get the point! I mean I'm not a complete prude, but after 3 or 4 dates thats a bit much!

Oh dear, is there any half normal men out there?

Meilana xxx

I must try to limit myself to 3 Cosmopolitans

Im off to dinner soon with Dr Drake, Im wearing my favorite tight ass peach dress with kitten heels. Leilani would defiantly approve, in her books the tighter the better!

Its now only dawning on me that I was rather drunk on our first date, actually I was wasted. He ordered so many rounds of cocktails I couldnt keep up; peach bellini, cosmopolitan, gin fizz, mojito, strawberry mojito, strawberry daiquiri, martini, cucumber collins......The list goes on but by this point the night is a bit of a blur.

So what is now occurring to me is of course it went well, how can a date not go well when your drunk!? What if he's actually really boring, and what I though was brilliant conversation was just me rambling on about my beloved rabbit 'Borris,' that left me to live in the wild.

He also cheekily kissed me at the end of the night, as an old fashioned women I would of never let that happen. My judgement was swayed  but a fountain of delicious cocktails, it must not happen again. Tonight I shall try to limit myself.

Oh goodness, and I remember the kiss being awful. I had to try and subtly wipe the slobber away from my mouth, his tongue was like a tennis racket and my tonsils the ball! We can blame that on the alcohol right? I mean, I can always teach him later on down the line.... 'Now lets try this thing where you don't choke me with your tongue?'

Im getting myself nervous now, I think I need to call my sister....

'If he's a weirdo then you can ditch him, and at the end of the day its a free dinner. As a poor student I would take it'.......Thanks Leilani, you always do have such great advice!

Well Im off, I shall report back with how it goes

Meilana xxx

Its all gravy! When a sausage is involved....

TT and I have recently moved in together, we live in the country (a bit dull) in a loverly converted barn and I'm looking forward to endless evenings of romantic dinners, morning jogs with our new puppy and lots of spontaneous sex all around the house!

I'm a huge fan of cooking and entertaining, my whole book shelf is full of cookery books and I often find myself the Hitler of the Kitchen and TT isn't allowed to touch my hobs and utensils, let alone the fridge .(he's a complete dustbin eating everything in sight) So I was pleasantly surprised to find out that this evening he was cooking a romantic dinner...even if Sky Sports was on in the back ground.

I was asked to sit at the table and be amazed by his culinary man skills, I guessed from the smell some kind of sausages and probably potatoes. I wasn't disappointed, as he sauntered into the dinning room coming past the living room and our puppy who was bouncing on two legs snapping at his crotch, I was suddenly starving. (Secretly I knew the venison sausages I had hand picked at the farmers market couldn't disappointed) He looked really impressed with himself, I was panicking about the state of the kitchen! Then the unthinkable happened, well I suppose this is TT, he caught his elbow on the door way - his like build isn't accustomed to listed buildings, suddenly the plates were thrown onto the floor and puppy pounced stuffing a sausage in her mouth and running off upstairs.


I WAS SERIOUSLY PISSED!

TT laughed nervously and muttered about how the house was made for munchkins and he was too big for it.  Lets just say I'll resume my status in the Kitchen....I had a bag of kettle chips for tea and it's not good for my butt!

Leilani xxx

Out with Achmed and in with Dr Drake

The last couple of months I had been dating Achmed. Standing at 5.10, muscly and tanned, he was the kind of guy whom I should have found attractive, but I don't think any one could love him as much as he loved himself.

He tried to portray and image of himself as a caring, modest and thoughtful gentleman, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Everything he did was a carefully calculated move, to try and get one step closer to getting into my pants. He is absolutely sex obsessed, and thinks he is Gods gift to turing women on. How he hasn't realised that heavily breathing in my ear until I have earache, and knotting my hair up isn't a turn on, is beyond me. As a traditional women, I refused to give into his sex pest ways; and Im sure I will always be known as the one who got away.

He even carried a tub of mango body butter everywhere with him, and would slather himself in it in what he thought was a seductive manner, I couldn't help but cringe.

And to top it off he carried a small tub of Vaseline in his pocket and would apply it vigorously to his constant pout. Leilani pointed out you cant trust a man that carries lipbalm, especially Vaseline!

He had to go!

Before I even had a chance to delete Achmed's number from my phone book, I met Dr Drake. He is handsome, charismatic, and has a toffish air about him, dressed head to toe in Ralph Lauren. So far he has been the perfect date, ordering rounds of cocktails and sharing funny stories from his work at the hospital. I find the fact that he is a doctor very attractive, after all I'm a daydreamer and I can see myself as a doctors wife!

Im off to dinner at Strada tomorrow, so we shall see....

Meilana xxx